


First Step

by imacashew



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Don’t copy to another site, Dying twice must have an impact when you already have PTSD, F/M, Mental Health Issues, when the dad friend realizes he needs extra help himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-17 01:44:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21046268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imacashew/pseuds/imacashew
Summary: The first step is admitting you have a problem and Gansey does that. Or, a journey in mental health.





	First Step

The first step is admitting you have a problem. 

While this was commonly used with substance and alcohol abuse, Gansey realized that maybe it could possibly be used with anyone who had problems with their mental health. 

He spent far too long thinking about the first death. Far too long about the second death.

He spent far too long denying everything. Far too long saying nothing was wrong with him and his feelings didn’t matter. 

He spent so much of his own time focusing on  _ them _ and he was okay with that for the longest time.

* * *

He noticed them change after the second death because of course he did. 

They were still the people he loved and gave his life for, but for some reason would show him how much they loved him. 

Ronan was more free with hugs and long arms around his shoulders. He would lovingly tease him and drag him out of his head when the negative thoughts became too much to handle on his own.

Adam was quieter with understandings. They both made the effort to try to understand each other and their thoughts, which became easier after his second resurrection. Parrish always seemed to know when he was on the verge of a panic attack, calling at the most appropriate times and talking him through it. 

They wouldn’t yell at him or scream when they didn’t want his help, but calmly explained it wasn’t his responsibility to fix. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do when he couldn’t do anything for Ronan or Adam. They tended to keep to their own little world to fix each other, refusing to let him help.

Even that didn’t seem like enough to help him with his problems. He tried to ignore them more. 

Blue was always good for his mental state, he knew that in his bones, but she wasn’t always going to help him through the worst of times.

One night at Monmouth, they laid in his bed. His head was resting on her stomach and her brown fingers threaded through his soft hair. Gansey had just had one of the worst panic attacks of his life; the cause of it smashed by one of Blue’s embroidered boots and flushed down the toilet.

“Talk to me, Gansey,” she murmured, pausing in her petting and placed a gentle hand on his cheek, where the dried tears were still sticky under her touch.

“...I’m terribly sorry you had to see that.” He curled his hand around hers and sniffled, blinking away tears.

Blue’s thumb rubbed his cheek, “There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

“Ja-Blue, I believe I may have a problem.”

She said nothing but smiled at him, concern in her eyes, as they always did. Her hand made its way back to his hair, once again stroking it with her fingers, “Gansey, I think you need to talk to someone.”

He looked into her eyes, dark in the low light, and frowned, his other hand coming up to touch his lower lip with his thumb, “Aren’t I talking to someone right now?”

She gave him a small smile, “Gansey, a professional. I’m not a professional therapist, I’m your girlfriend.”

He promised he would look into it in the morning and she kissed him on the forehead.

True to his word, he looked into therapy the next day, despite the criticism at the back of his mind that sounded a lot like his own parents. He read reviews, checked credentials, anything to satisfy his research hungry mind. 

Once he found someone he felt would be the right choice, he called the office and made his very first appointment.

* * *

Some weeks later, he found himself in the waiting room, filling out paperwork and fiddling with his phone, wanting to call his friends for support. He brushed his thumb to his lips and he contemplated for the nth time why he didn’t bring Blue. Or Adam. Or Ronan. Or Henry. 

He did his best to ignore the dirty looks from angry-looking adults and a teenager who gave his polo shirt and boat shoes a glare of disdain. His leg shook in anticipation or anxiety, it was really hard to decide what it was. 

He was called back to a nice room with a comfortable couch by the doctor, a woman ten or fifteen years his senior, with dark hair and icy blue eyes that reminded him of Ronan (sharp and mischievous, all at once).

She asked him to tell her about himself, his interests, his friends and family. He talked about his interest in archeology, in history, in Glendower. 

He froze when he brought up his king, hesitant to discuss the magic behind him. It was then he noticed some of the decor in the room, things that he had seen at Fox Way, and continued. The doctor’s eyes brightened when he told that story.

He talked about his parents and Helen. And how they didn’t feel like a family anymore. Tingles went down his spine as he mentioned they probably wouldn’t even approve of him being there. 

He talked about his found family, his friends. He talked about their strengths, weaknesses, and how much he cared and loved them. That if they’d let him, he would use all of his resources to do anything for them. 

The first thing his new therapist told him after he rambled about the worries for his friends, “You have to take care of yourself to take care of others, Richard.”

Her words dug into his gut like a dagger and everything made sense. It wasn’t selfish to take care of himself, but it was selfish to ignore his problems. 

He kept talking. Everything he bottled up inside himself for years came flowing out. She was someone he could trust and talk to. Without judgement. Without fear. 

She reminded him of his friends: the fierceness of Blue, sharpness and loyalty of Ronan, and brilliance of Adam. Thinking of them made it easy and made the anxiety slowly drift away. 

When their time was up, the doctor smiled at him and hoped to see him again. 

When it was all over, Gansey checked-out and went to see Blue afterward. 

He made another appointment. 

**Author's Note:**

> There are many reasons I liked Gansey as a character, but one of his defining character traits is putting his friends before himself. I connect to that about him. How he keeps trying to please everyone at the expense of his own health. I’m still trying to work on that myself, but I’ll get there. 
> 
> The therapist in this is actually based on one of my best friends from high school, who has a masters degree in Clinical Psych and is a witch interested in the supernatural. She’s helped me through a lot with stuff and I love her a lot. 
> 
> As always, don’t be afraid to say hi on tumblr @cashew-butter and @cashewwritesstuff!


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